Twinning Boys

And at last, a year....

2010-09-01T23:33:00.003-05:00

John & Walter turned 1 this past week, on August 26! I still can't get over it...from my memories of the birth experience to revisiting how they have evolved into my little men over the course of the year. It is such a bittersweet moment. Knowing these are my last little babies, that are rapidly turning to toddlers is overwhelming. I want to at once savor the baby-elements still present, all the while feeling so joyous as they move toward independence. I can't help but contrast this year with my older daughter's first year. There I cherished and embraced every milestone. Here, I took note as they came and went, but with much less diligence. I barely have any kind of collection of hard prints, let alone an actual photo album. In constructing a 12 month period of photos, I was hard pressed to find a 10 month shot, as almost an entire month went by without taking pictures. Certainly when comparing this blog to my one for gwen, the difference in detail is striking. I know that is often the case with the 2nd sibling, but I suppose when those 2nd siblings are twins, even more the case.
Here are my little cuddly ones, in the course of their year of development.

Thinking over the past year, it is amazing to me what has encompassed it. Starting out following the boys being born and my father having open-heart surgery, to deciding to initiate a career change and go into nursing, returning to work and juggling 3 under 3, breastfeeding for 9 months, taking intensive science courses and then moving 40 miles outside the city of Chicago to the burbs. What a crazy year. Maybe this next one can be a bit more mellow. But given that these boys are on the way to walking, I think "mellow" will prove to be a term of the past!

Pink eye is the pits

2010-08-13T02:32:00.002-05:00

Both boys came down with pink-eye this week, resulting in temporary exile from daycare. Poor Johnnie's looked awful, but passed quickly enough. The entire process of getting prescription drops refilled was ridiculous. Our MD only saw John, but told us to treat Walter as well, so of course we flew through the drops. Then as we had no refills, had to call the doctors office to authorize the pharmacy for more. Of course my doctor was then out of town! After several calls back and forth leading to no resolution for the day, we made it through the night only to use the last drops the next morning, still without scripts called in. Finally, they get it together and my insurance denies the refill b/c it was "too close" from the time in which it was initially perscribed. I get their point, the prescription for only for John, but the doctor says when you treat one you treat both. Insurance companies are not so laid back, however. Fortunately my second insurance picked up the tab. Annoying though!

As I said...the year mark approaches

2010-08-09T04:05:00.002-05:00

And makes me realize--oh so many things! I would have actually posted more recently but everytime I do, I am getting these crazy comments in, Chinese? I welcome all readers, but comments in a language I don't understand (or the English that is there makes no sense) sort of makes me feel like my blog is being spammed. If anyone knows how I can eliminate/reduce this please let me know!

Otherwise, more to come on the boys, but we are doing great here. Lots of fun as they move toward toddlerhood.

Almost to the year mark

2010-08-04T07:44:00.002-05:00

The Delicate Balance

2010-05-17T03:05:00.002-05:00

As I sit here at the pump, gathering the 1.5 oz I have in the middle of my twelve-hour night shift, I am conscious of the delicate balance our life is in right now. There are so many things which rest in a state of perfect functioning, which if god forbid, I or someone were to get sick would knock off. Things like, laundry being mainly completed, or having enough toilet paper at the home. Of course those are trivial items, but with going to school, working and having my heart be at home with the kids and running the house, all these things become big things. I think about financial vulnerability should a glitch in having meaningful work occur. I think of these things and feel grateful that, at least for the time being, god willing everything is a wonderful and amazing "ok."

Random thoughts on Attachment and Development

2010-05-02T21:52:00.004-05:00

I have been thinking lately about the process of attachment with twins. Thinking about how object relations come into play with twins. Such that, if I had a single baby, I would probably feel more guilty about setting the baby down to play by himself. However, having two, I always feel that they are happy to plop down and "play" together. They do have their alone time too, but I tend to always assume they want to be together. This really is the amazing side to me of twins. They will have each other throughout their childhood. A constant companion. Someone who always gets it. I just love watching them grow together and interact more each day.

Yet it nags at me that maybe I would pick them up more if they were singletons. I catch so few breaks so that now they have longer periods of contentment, I rely on having them play together to get some things done. Sometimes I wonder, "Do they want their mommy or do they want each other?" What do they make of those relationships and do they get that they will always have to share? I suppose it is the constant guilt that is there for mothers with more than one child, the juggle and balancing act of giving each one their fair share of attention.

8 Months? How did that happen?

2010-04-25T23:26:00.002-05:00

Today on a random trip to a random Illinois town for no other reason then to escape the never-ending chores and housework that is our life with twins, I was lamenting to my husband on the differences in the first year with twins vs. my daughter. Unlike my daughter whose blog I dilligently posted on the new milestones achieved and continuously flooded it with new pictures and videos, these eight months with twins have just gone by in a blur. Between juggling my job, school, kids and life in general it has been a major accomplishment to snap a picture, much less download and upload, describe and post. I feel guilty that I have less of a chronology with these boys. Although I notice a marked difference in the last few weeks/months as far as us having some normalacy return to our lives, it isn't so much that we suddenly have oodles of time. For some reason, 6-month-old resonated with me as appropriate. 8-months seems like well on our way to the one year mark and I am not ready for my babies to be toddlers!

Moving Toward Mobility

2010-04-13T06:30:00.003-05:00

These last few weeks have brought about some incredible changes. John is now starting to eek his way backwards, clearly making efforts to crawl while on his belly. Walter, possible on account of his biggish head, is not quite there yet, but is starting to log roll his way around, flipping back and forth happily.

Despite increasing bottles, I am still hanging in there breastfeeding 3-4x a day. Not exclusively as I initially hoped, but as this is about when I weaned w/my first daughter I am happy to still be in the running. However I think it is the one factor that is keeping those last few pounds on! But time enough to lose weight, I still want to make it to one year with these babies.

Just had another follow up with my OB/GYN and he was accompanied by a student physician assistant during my exam, throughout which he fondly recounted my birth story. It was actually kinda fun to think back to it, as it was such a dramatic moment! I told him all I remember was feeling like I sprayed the room with amniotic fluid and he said, "Yeah well everyone does that!"

I remember when the babies were 2-3 months reading a post in a twin forum I go to from a mom saying "At 7 months I am finally enjoying my twins." I understand this completely. While loving them from day 1, the first 6 months have been terribly challenging and I have found over the past few weeks getting more and more rewards. They are sleeping (somewhat) better, but interacting more and having so many cute moments. So rather then hoping for their "content" moments to happen so I can have a break, I look forward to them so I can bond.

Some shots from a recent picnic.

Finally I Am Enjoying My Twins

2010-03-20T23:41:00.003-05:00

not that I have not loved and adored them all these months, but we are finally establishing our routines and they are going for more content and playful periods. It is nice to have the breathing room!

Finding New Fun with Solids

2010-03-19T06:31:00.002-05:00

With my daughter, I thought everything I fed her had to be packaged with something saying the word "baby" on it to know that it was safe. With the boys I am much more free-wheeling and having a lot of fun. My pediatrician gave the green light for foods and sanctioned everything except for honey and encouraging liberal uses of solids to assist with gaining weight.

Feeding twins is so fun! While waiting for one to work on his spoonful, I find the other quite ready to take a nibble, so feedings are fast and furious. The menu started simple with bananas, avocado and sweet potato. Now I puree all the foods we eat and they had some corned beef and cabbage for St. Patty's Day and last night ate spaghetti squash with marinara sauce. I am freezing little ice-cube batches of all the purees I make and just love knowing I am feeding them delicious foods that I make and not just relying on the little jars this go round.

Moving with twins

2010-02-13T22:19:00.005-06:00

Nothing like doing a household move to add some chaos to life with twinfants + toddler. I keep telling myself if I can get through this the payoff will be worth it. We are moving from a 3 bed apt in a neighborhood I love to live in a 5 bedroom house in what I call a golf-course, a soul-less western suburban subdivision. Life will improve but will change. Will likely suffer some culture shock. Fortunately my parents have come to assist with the move and their support is just amazing. It really takes the edge off having the extra helping hands around and makes me realize how overwhelming life has been (and will soon be again!). So we will enjoy the help as it is available.

Some Pictures

2010-02-10T21:23:00.004-06:00

Here are the boys! Getting so big....or at least I like to tell myself that!

5 months! Man this is hard...

2010-02-04T23:34:00.002-06:00

Okay at 5 months I am wondering why I don't post here more. Duh! This is hard. I fought to admit this for a while but as I reach a better place--I do think we are turning a corner here, I can admit that these past five months has been one of the most--probably *the most*--challenging periods in my life.

So...feeding. They are deemed "ready for solids" per pediatrician, however I think they are still wobbly in the trunk and am holding off another few weeks. Also, we are moving (great timing huh?) so will give us a week to get settled then will get things all ready. Probably do fruits and veggies as first foods (thinking banana & avocado). Otherwise, still supplementing with formula, still BFing (yay!). The formula is now pediatrician recommended Neosure (or Enfamil Enfantcare) which is the 22 per oz calorie stuff. They get about 4-8oz a day and then BF on demand. I am weaning myself off the Domperidone b/c if it does not allow me to exclusively BF, I don't think it made much difference in my supply anyhow. But nursing is great, they hold hands when they nurse now, they pop off and smile, I am so glad I have stuck with it. Knowing it does not have to be 100% has been the best thing sanity-wise to keep going.

They are more fun each day, starting to interact more and it is so great to see their smiles. They are still peanuts--9&1/2lbs! But hey that is almost double their birthweight, so they are going strong, developmentally on track, flipping over etc.

It is getting better. I am starting to see the break in the clouds.

Cost-benefit of Breastfeeding Twins.

2010-01-02T21:42:00.006-06:00

In my 2nd go-round w/breastfeeding and BFing issues, I can't help but think a lot about it. All I think about is the feeding process of the babies--how can I not, I am constantly nursing, pumping and/or mixing bottles, burping babies, taking herbs and medications to keep my supply up and monitoring what I eat to ensure I get enough calories to feed the babies and don't drink too much wine that the babies get drunk. People say the first 6-8 weeks is the hardest when breastfeeding. For me, it is more like the first 6 months.

It never helps that all my babies are slow-gainers. How can I have confidence in BFing when they go on streaks gaining 2oz or even nothing at a time. BFing enthusiasts I turn to for support say, "But they are GAINING, they are not losing." But they don't see the dry diapers and skinny legs that I do that tell me something is up. Even on the maximum amount of galactogogues, including Domperidone which I have to order from Canada, I don't produce enough milk to feed the babies exclusively 100% breastmilk. I think if I didn't work and sat at the couch all day with them at my breast, no toddler to look after, it could work. But when I go out the door and they get the bottles, they get formula and I think that is just fine.

However, my avid desire to exclusively breastfeed and subsequent disappointment two go rounds now to have it be a more natural process have me thinking long and hard about what lies beneath this desire. It is hard to separate out all the pros and cons, some are so emotional and not something you can quantify.

So tonight I am of the mind to break down the numbers. Strictly on the financial side, I have no idea what it would cost to 100% formula feed, but am curious. I read once in a twin parenting forum that their 5-month-old twins go through 20 cans (27.5oz mixes I assume) per month. I just bought a 6-pack of the Vermont Organics Formula, which is one of the more affordable ones, that was $140, so full time at 20 cans works out to be something like $460ish a month, or roughly $5500 for 12 months on formula.

That is quite a lot of money, however, as someone who has run into "issues" with bf-ing, I have found it has its hidden costs as well. For me, this is in having to take herbs and meds to keep my supply up--I spend about close to $200 a month on that. I also have had multiple trips to see my LC which is now decreasing in frequency (as a result of increased bottle-feeding and thus weight gain) but that was $50 a pop. I think I spent about $200-300 total so far. I also hired a postpartum doula to help me get started, which was another $300, bought a pump for $300 and wound up renting a hospital grade pump for $70/month per the first three months. Then you figure there is the cost (if you need them) of lanolin, breastpads, storage bags and pumping parts & accessories, bottles, etc. books you may buy, job's tears, you get the picture.
My estimate brings us right up to the $4,000 range per a 12-month-period.

Let's not forget time is money. While it takes time to make, buy and give formula--that can be delegated out. When you are BFing, only you have the breasts! Should you go this route, my advice is to make sure hubby knows what this will entail. In the first 7 weeks I had my husband in charge of diapering, bathing, rocking, etc while I sat on the couch and worked on latching. He also had to take on the housework as well as doing a lot more parenting of my toddler.

I have several friends who have exclusively BF successfully, singletons and twins and never had to deal with above associated costs, but I think that is where it can vary dramatically by individual. I think that if these twins were my first children and I did not have to return to work but was a SAHM with a support system the chances of success would have been, and could be, much higher. For me having to look after a toddler and working part-time were complications that may have derailed me.

Despite the struggles I have, I am hoping to nurse them and pump while at work for the year and I would make that choice again. To me, the bonding that occurs is an amazingly beautiful experience. Every drop of EBM I give is just liquid gold. I love the snuggly, cuddly experience and am looking forward to experiencing the BF relationship evolve as they grow. But I have to say, I just love giving my babies bottles too. And I even enjoy mixing formula (though not so much the cleaning part :). Knowing I don't have to BF 100% to have a successful nursing relationship takes away the pressure and reminds me that it can go far. Eventually you are breastfeeding along with giving the babies food and solids etc and they still nurse it is just those first 6 months where the most pressure to provide is on you b/c you are their sole source of nutrition. I think my key lesson learned after everything is flexibility.

Despite my growing sense of peace with it, I still cringe when I hear people saying that formula feeding costs more than BFing and the claim that it is "very rare to not be able to produce enough milk for twins or even triplets." It may be true that BFing CAN be simpler and cheaper for the vast majority of those that BF without complication. And I envy that lot. Based on the factors above, I think I will continue to walk the middle line. I am so proud of my success with BFing, but yet I do hear where Rosin was coming from in her Atlantic Monthly article, "The Case Against Breastfeeding."

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T21:34:00.003-06:00

We made it to 2010! Amazing to me how different this year looks from last.

The boys are doing great, John will soon have doubled his weight, as he is approaching the 9lb mark! Funny to see them at 4 months still the size of some full-term babies. But they are looking quite wide-eyed etc. lately.

The biggest challenge with my twins remains getting them into a schedule and my balance between breastfeeding and the return-to-work bottle feeding. They have shown to do best in the weight gain arena when getting bottles. However I don't pump enough breastmilk so despite my initial seemingly abundant supply of milk, I am now relying on formula to make up the difference. For some reason, I would have thought having twins the formula companies would have targeted me immediately and sent me home from the hospital with samples and coupons. Yet I have yet to receive a single coupon! I am on the prowl at the moment, although the formula I am leaning toward using, Vermont Organics does not advertise as aggressively as the big name companies. Still, I would certainly welcome some freebies!

I find both bottle feeding and breastfeeding very satisfying bonding experiences, yet feel very strongly that I would like to make it to a year nursing them. However I think John just loves his bottle! He fusses quite a bit when offered a breast at a feeding. Walter keeps on chugging at either. In this way, I am seeing their personalities emerge!

They are starting to play more too and they play in very different ways. Walter likes to sit in his pod and play with the toy on the tray. John likes to be on his back on the playmat and grab at the mobiles. Walter likes to be held during the day, but sleeps very independently, whereas John can entertain himself alone for good stretches during the day but turns into a cuddle bug creature at night. It will be a long road to get this guy in a crib through the night! Hopefully soon he will realize he can cuddle with his brother and be good to go.

Preservering

2009-12-18T01:25:00.002-06:00

We are continuing to make it through each day with small victories and alternating setbacks. The last 48-hours has been one of those fussy, eating every other hour and not sleeping type days. Copious amounts of spit-up and screams of pain from John. I think the poor guy has a little reflux going on. This has been something of a struggle here and there for several weeks, wondering if his reflux warrants medications. I finally took the plunge and scheduled a doctors appointment on Monday to check the growth and talk to my doctor about trying a low-dose of zantac to see if that minimizes screaming.

As for breastfeeding, it seems to vary per day. I mostly exclusively BF except when I am working, then of course pump and give bottles. However, some days, such as today, it seems the boys are not content after feedings. A nice weigh-in would help assure my confidence.

Otherwise, I am coming to the realization that we are not out of survival-mode territory. Until more regularity of naps and feedings are established it is just about living in the hour. However, I will say my toddler has settled quite a bit and seems more adjusted to life with babies. I think 'life-without-babies' is starting to fade into a dim memory of the past. For all of us.

Frustrated with Cloth Diapering

2009-12-11T01:56:00.002-06:00

I have had trouble getting started cloth diapering these boys. I planned to go easy the first 3 months and use disposables as needed. Because of their small size, none of my "newborn" diapers have worked. I am starting out with the Bummies Whisper Wraps and prefolds which I thought I would do in the early days until I can use Bum Genius and Fuzzi Bunz. However everytime I am using them they leak. The boys have made it apparent that they do not like to be damp, and so I am not wanting to risk naps for leaky cloth diapers. I suppose it is just an adjustment they and I are going through, but I seem to remember it being a bit simpler with Gwen, though I probably was not really up and running with cloth diapers until about 5 months with her. These little peanuts are dwarfed by the size of their diapers! All good things in time I suppose...

Rewards

2009-12-11T01:53:00.002-06:00

Getting funny smiles and bright-eyed-expressions. My little boys are starting to come to life more and more before my eyes.

Walter Has Surgery

2009-12-05T22:08:00.005-06:00

It was a big surprise when visiting my pediatrician for a standard growth check on the twins, Walter was diagnosed with an Inguinal hernia. John has had an umbilical hernia that all this time has been upsetting to look at, but apparently rather benign. I had been asking about it at every pediatrician visit and was completely floored when after a brief look at a puffy region in Walter's groin was quickly followed by the pronouncement, "He will need surgery for that." I took it in stride for the most part, up until the day before surgery. The pediatric surgeon I met was a very smart and reassuring woman who informed me that this procedure was one of the most common place ones she does. However, because he is an infant a one-night stay for observation would be required. 24-hours before bringing him in my anxiety increased. When I got the call to schedule it and was informed he would be NPO formula at midnight and NPO breastmilk at 2am and NPO clear fluids at 4am I began to panic. What do you do with a crying, hungry infant? Amazingly he did ok, slept straight from a bottle of EBM at 2am to 6:30 when we arrived at the hospital. At 7:45 he was whisked away to the OR and I got him back in my arms two hours later. When I first picked him up in the recovery room he was all strung out and jittery because he had been given caffeine to help ward off any apnea issues. It was odd to see him out of sorts, but a great relief to hold him and be told he had done fine and there were no complications. Fast forwarding through the night, we were discharged at 9am the next morning when he woke up he was all smiles. At this point, I thought we were out of the woods and I had to work night shifts the next two nights. It was Friday morning so my husband took off to work and I proceeded to have one of the worst days so far. Both Walter and John were uber fussy, screaming every time I put them down. Unless they were affixed to my body, they were very angry guys. Somehow I made it through the day and I was fortunate that Gwen had a low-maintenance day, occupied herself well and did not have too many debacles. Things calmed down when my husband got home (it always seems to work that way), but then when I went off to work he proceeded to have an awful night, Walter crying most of the night and not settling until around 5am. I put a page in to the pediatric surgeon who stated he was likely still feeling effects of the pain as the anaesthesia wore off. Poor guy! I got home this morning and sent my husband to bed to catch up on some sleep. Both boys slept like angels and I got some good quality time in with my daughter, finger-painting, making towers, even did a little tidying up. Around noon I woke up my husband and we switched places, me diving into bed for a few hours and him up with the kids. Now I am back at work and so far reports are good, it is not looking like as bad of a night as last. Hopefully Walter will be more settled. Poor guy. Apparently the type of hernia he had is often genetic and my father has actually had the same thing. We will have to keep an eye on John and hope it does not happen with him as well. Surgery and children is no fun.
Here is a picture of our little guy after surgery. The cast on his arm just holds his IV in place.

ok, I admit this is hard right now

2009-11-29T00:33:00.003-06:00

So re-reading some of my posts makes me think I am sounding much peppier than the reality that is my life right now. I think something happened recently after our return trip from the east coast. I just can't seem to catch up. We had a baptism for J&W and I have scare pictures to show for it. Their three month birthday came and went, no new pics to show for it. And that was Thanksgiving day no less, where they wore these cute matching velor suits. Yep I am definitely sucking in the picture-taking department. So enter my complaints:
1) Return to work (2 night shifts), which means previous sporadic sleep is now compounded with serious lack of sleep.
2) (under the return to work category) seem to be struggling with milk supply. My pumping output overnight is about 10oz when the boys pound through about 24 when I am gone. I know any milk I give is beneficial, but it is hard to not be discouraged with those numbers in my face. Compounded by non-stop nursing when I get home making me feel like I don't have enough to satisfy them.
3) My house. It just makes me go nuts. All day my daughter takes it apart piece by piece. And that assumes it was "together" to begin with. I feel like I lost about 600sq ft once the twins arrived, with all the swings, bouncers, etc. along with the fact that I spend most of the day rooted to the couch breastfeeding, it is looking a bit restrictive. That is where the change of scene at work is welcomed.

So anyway, just a bit tired and needing to remind myself more often than not, that these precious days will soon be over and I will likely be missing that which is now driving me nuts.

Back At It!

2009-11-20T00:31:00.002-06:00

Here I am back at work after a 16-week whirl-wind away. At least I have time to blog again now :)

To be honest I was not too broken up heading into work tonight. As some know, I work night-shifts in an ER (just two nights a week), and so my return to work does not feel nearly as upsetting as when I returned to work for a 9-5, m-f job when my first daughter was three months.

Our little babies are doing wonderfully though, but are not completely without issue. There are some things going on, though they are minor. One being weight-gain. It was such an issue with my first daughter, I had difficulty breastfeeding with milk production and she had a slow time gaining. Similarly these guys are remaining peanuts, inflicting doubt in my confidence at breastfeeding. At work I hit the pump, but when I am with them I am trying to keep up the nursing as best I can. We have not yet turned that corner where it becomes a bit easier, but I can see the gains we have made so I am not throwing the towel in yet!

Although these are my special little guys, I have to admit they are getting the '2nd-child treatment' when it comes to picture-taking! I am just way too busy to remember to occasionally pick up a camera!

But I do have this one recent shot, (the classic swaddled, cuddling position :)

Hitting my stride

2009-10-30T14:30:00.008-05:00

I have been waiting for that miraculous "turning a corner" moment to hit aorund the 8 week mark. Now that I am here, I have found things becomming more challenging. My sleepy premmies are now filled with gusto and showing it! The last two weeks they seemed to have 36-48 days waking every 30 minutes around the clock! Likely a growth spurt judging by the following surge of milk and a day or two of sleepiness. But I find between them and my toddler they are keeping me more on my toes.

One of my struggles right now is keeping my toddler occupied while I am in moments (such as tandem feeding) when I need to attend to the twins. I am trying not to rely of TV, but sadly it is the cruch I keep leaning on. So usually once a day I will pop on a 30 min Baby Einstein or for a treat a movie such as Ice Age or Finding Nemo. She loves them of course! And I sit there wracked with guilt that I am destroying her attention-span for the years ahead. But while I try to just use it sparingly, I do notice an uptick on irritable and oppositional behavior from her (ie tantrums much!) on the days that I have TV. So I am trying to find activities that will keep her occupied when my hands are tied. I strive to alternate the boys naps from her naps so they sleep when I am chasing after her, helping her to the potty, getting a snack or just playing (read: tearing up the house bit by bit!). I remember my first thought in the hospital when she came to visit the twins was "someone is going to get hurt!" They just seem so teeny and she is so wild at times. And it is true. She is gentle when near the twins, but I have to watch her like a hawk constantly to be sure she does not get them or herself in peril. Each day we get through injury free I am happy. I know in time the boys will nap more consistently (at least I hope!) and I can juggle a bit more effectively.

Of course when my daughter gets the camera this is what she takes a picture of!!

Ok, call me a blog slacker

2009-10-19T23:57:00.002-05:00

I didn't think I would be posting much with having two newborns at home plus a toddler, but I did think I would do a bit more! The boys are now 8 weeks and they are doing great. We are adjusting in our home to these new additions. Four more weeks before I return to work and then I know I will be blogging more. In the meantime, here are a few updated pictures.
Big sister...

Buddies...

What a month!

2009-09-21T12:37:00.003-05:00

This week we will be coming up on the one month mark and have had a LOT going on (go figure right?) I have to say one of my biggest challenges through this transition since the boys came is managing my almost two daughter. She has certainly had some rough patches adjusting to no longer having 100% of mommy & daddy to herself. Though we try to give her special time each day, there is just no denying that her life is completely changed.

Aside from that, the boys are doing well! 100% breastfed and gaining well. With my first daughter I had a difficult time giving her enough milk for her to gain and it required supplementation with formula, which was fine, but just not the experience I had hoped for.

Otherwise we have had one minor scare with John getting a positive in his PKU/Metabolic screening that required an additional test. The PKU is not a problem, but our pediatrician wants to do a re-test to make sure it is a false positive, which he believes it to be. It is for a congenital condition that I am going to resist googling until I know it is verified, as I think it is a false positive and don't need that stress! Both babies are thriving though and getting to a point where they wake up to feed by themselves, at least at night, but during the day I still have to wake them up. I am just looking forward to getting more meat on their bones!

The First Week

2009-09-05T20:26:00.003-05:00

This past week has been a flurry of breastfeeding-related activity, meeting with lactation consultants and working with a postpartum 'lactation doula' to achieve a successful experience. So far the boys are doing well, gaining well for their size and I am hoping will be back to their birth weight by next week. I had low-supply issues with my daughter and was never able to exclusively breastfeed her, as I had intended. At this point, Walter has a fantastic latch and nurses so well that he is EBF. John needs a bit of help so I am able to breastfeed him simultaneously with his brother who then triggers let-downs making things easier for John, but then I need to pump and top off John's feedings with bottles. It is a lot of work, but all in all a dream compared to my previous experience using an SNS system and pumping my boobs off. My lactation consulatant said "supply is never an issue with twins." While I would love to think that is the case, I do remain somewhat anxious to see how it goes. Of course I am loaded up on fenugreek and this time am giving Goat's Rue a whirl. Bottom line, I just want to put a little chub on these "rotissre chickens," as my husband likes to call them...

We all came home!

2009-08-29T13:06:00.002-05:00

Everything was cleared yesterday to allow us to discharge home (after a frustrating delay to take the 'car seat challenge test,' which they both passed). It is nice to be home and so far the babies are healthy and good, eating well while I attempt to juggle the fine line between establishing a breast milk supply and provided the needed supplements so that they grow and thrive. As my daughter followed a similar course, losing a lot of initial birth weight and from there being a slow gainer, I am very prepared as I have been down this road before. I will be very happy to see them gain, though am trying not to fall into the obsession of numbers and daily weigh-ins... Our first pediatrician visit is Monday so am hoping for a good report from our MD.

Discharge Day?

2009-08-28T06:48:00.002-05:00

I am hoping we all go home today. Since my first episode of pre-term labor, I have been increasingly concerned about potential health issues if the boys come early. It has been my biggest hope that we could all leave the hospital together and not have to leave one or both behind. Two things right now are potential obstacals to that occuring. One is they nurses of the NICU have not yet conducted the "Car Seat Challenge" test--which sounds like some kind of baby gladiator competition, but in reality is a test to monitor their oxygen levels while they are in the carseat to ensure they can breathe adequately. If they do not pass, they have to spend 24 hours in the NICU and then get tested again. I have been asking over and over when this test will happen as I cannot be discharged until it is done and now we are going into the early hours of the morning, so it may prolong things a bit.

The other potential complication is that Walter is boarderline jaundiced right now and if he requires phototherapy, it may need to occur in the hospital.

Meanwhile I am feeling great, rested and ready to move these boys home! I know for certain that I am discharged today so I just have to sit tight a few more hours until we learn more.

Introducing John Daniel & Walter Joseph!

2009-08-26T10:35:00.011-05:00

John and Walter made their appearance today, weighing in with John at 4lbs 11oz and Walter at 5lbs even at 35weeks and 6 days. In this picture, Walter is on the left, John on the right.

I started having contractions in the morning, around 11am, but chalked it up to braxton-hicks until about 5pm when they began to seem closer together and more irritating. By 8pm I realized I would have to take a visit to the hospital L&D. I was feeling them both moving a little less and was nervous. It took my husband and I a few hours to mobilize and by the time we got to the hospital it was 11pm. I had called ahead earlier in the day to find out if it was my OB on call and turns out it was one of the doctors who would not deliver breech. When we got to L&D to be checked, the nurse told us they would get me going shortly with the spinal and discussed all the basic preparations for a c-section. I mentioned that had my primary OB been available he would have gone with a vaginal breech. "Poor you!" she said and made a face as if that would be putting me through a harrowing ordeal.

When she checked me I was surprised to find I was already dilated 6cm. I thought it didn't matter anyway since I would be having a c-section and although the pain was not out of control, the contractions were annoying me and I wanted them to stop. Suddenly the RN returned to the room and said, "Your OB is coming in. He said he will deliver your babies vaginally." Part of me was so scared to hear this, but mainly I was floored that he would come in on a night he was not on-call to give me this option.

I was sent upstairs to the OR recovery room (It is standard to deliver twins in the operating room, regardless of c-section vs. vaginal birth) where I met a resident who did a scan. I recognized her from my previous hospitalization for pre-term labor and she went over some of my questions about the safety of a breech/transverse presentation with vaginal delivery. By the time my OB entered the room (had been at the hospital for an hour and 1/2), he checked me and I was 9cm! While the contractions were still painful, I still mostly found them annoying and could not believe I had progressed that far. Over continuing intense contractions I had the conversation with him that I had been agonizing over which was to take place the following morning--all my questions about the risks and pros/cons of a vaginal delivery vs. a c-section as well as questions about his skills and background delivering breech and what interventions would be employed. I had written out a page on a Word doc of questions and issues I wanted to discuss. Of course we had the abbreviated version of this.

Me: "What are the risk to breech?"
OB: "A breech vaginal delivery is slightly more risk, with head-entrapment the number one risk that occurs about 1% of the time."
Me: "Heh heh heh heh whooooo" (contractions)
OB: "I think a vaginal delivery is better for these babies."
Me: "Ok! Let's do it"

I had fortunately addressed my main concerns with the resident earlier when I was able to articulate my concerns more and one point we addressed was the back-up plan to move to Cesarean if needed. She recommended the Epidural so as to avoid general anesthesia. My OB also recommended this and requested the anesthesiologist to give me the lowest dose possible. The OB looked at me and said, "This is all you. I want you pushing."

We moved into the OR to get set up while my husband stayed behind in the recovery room to get his scrubs on (and looked so handsome!) At this point I was fully dilated though not quite at the pushing point. They administered the epidural--which I had to fight really hard not to get freaked out about, as I really don't like needles going into my spine--then someone brought my husband back in the OR. I laid down and the medical team--which had to have numbered about 12+ people by then--got me positioned to start pushing. Although the Epi was the lowest dose, it came on strong and numbed me so when the nurse asked, "How was that contraction?" I looked blankly and said, "What contraction?" I could still feel sensation when the OB reached inside to check the position of Twin A, and so when they told me to push I was able to with full feeling, just not much pain. I pushed for about 5 minutes--maybe 5 pushes--with Twin A, and out he came! My husband describes seeing the bag of water coming out like a balloon as big as a babies head and then it ruptured and our John entered the world, butt first, at 4lbs, 11oz and 17 inches. From my perspective, it seemed that that rupture sprayed the entire room with amniotic fluid, but that may be my exaggerated view.

He was out and cried right away. I saw him briefly and then he was brought to the pediatrician for checks, the nurses giving me regular updates. His apgars were 8/9.

Now was Twin B's turn and my OB was instructing the resident on the breech extraction. As Twin B was still in transverse, she reached up until she got a foothold and gently pulled him down. I did not quite understand all that was happening, but heard my husband explain in awe: "There are his feet!" And I was called upon again to push, and another 4 pushes brought Twin B all the way out--except his head. I looked down between my leg and saw a slimy little back and butt and body and some dark hair peeking out. His head had not fully emerged with the push and the OB pulled up forceps to nudge out the head. Now I knew from my reading that forceps can be used for breech extractions with some risk but also with success. But I have to say seeing those forceps brought up over my little babies head was the scariest moment for me, as they are quite large metal instruments that look pretty capable of being used as weapons! But it was not long before they did nudge him out and our Walter was born, weighing in at 5lbs even (yay a 5lber!) and 17 & 3/4 inches. He was more quiet which made me nervous and they brought him quickly to the pediatricians. I did not wait long before hearing his cry and hearing good reports from the doctors. His apgars were 5/9. As Walter had a bit more trouble getting out, it took him a minute to perk up.

The entire room started cheering and I looked at the clock--2 hours since we had arrived at the hospital and I had two healthy twin boys!

As I sat back happily exhausted and full of adrenaline from the birth, I heard my OB talking to a medical student. The student said something along the lines of "That was really cool to see," to which my OB replied, "And I don't know when you will see again. Birthing breeches is a dying art..." Later on my OB told me he had spoken about my birth to his associate on call who told him she would have delivered the twins by c-section, thus elevating my OB to "White Knight" status for coming in to offer this option that so few other doctors would.

With our healthy babies thriving we are really and truly blessed. And I can't help but find it interesting that my three children have all arrived 3 different ways--head, butt and feet! How will that come to define their personalities :) I am so thankful for all of the support and encouragement we have had throughout this process! I am so happy to have the babies on the outside!

Braxton-Hicks vs. The Real Deal

2009-08-25T18:02:00.001-05:00

I have been having contractions since about 11am today. They are erratic, as close as 4 minutes, far apart as 11. My guess being braxton hicks. As a 2nd timer at pregnancy, I ought to *know* when it is the real deal. But I am hoping to will them as braxton hicks because I really would like to eek out a few more days...Thursday being the magical 36 week point....

Delivering Breech

2009-08-20T15:30:00.002-05:00

I had my ultrasound on Wednesday which confirmed TwinA is still firmly breech, TwinB is transverse. The estimated weights are 4lbs, 7oz (TwinA) and 4lbs, 12oz (TwinB). I could not even post about it yesterday because my spirits were very low as I sat with the reality of an inevitable c-section and felt concerned that the weights were not higher. I know u/s measurements can be off, but I had hoped for 5lbers at this point.

Regardless, I spent the majority of Wednesday night researching c-sections, trying to be as prepared as possible while simultaneously reading about flipping breeches.

Today I had my OB appointment with the remaining doctor of the practice which lasted all of 3 minutes and consisted of her answering all my questions by saying, "You will want to follow up with Dr. X on that..." I went home more sick than ever of the medical establishment.

About an hour ago, my OB made up for all my angst and misgivings by calling to discuss the position of the baby. He said I am a candidate for a vaginal breech delivery! Of course the caveat is that I go into labor when he can do the actual delivering b/c the other MD's in his practice would do a c-sec, but I am SO glad to hear there is that window of possibility open! He made my day. There are more facets to consider in this turn of events, but for now I am just grateful that there is a doctor in this city that is willing to attempt to deliver a breech baby!

Belly Shot--34 weeks,3 days

2009-08-17T10:00:00.002-05:00

I am obsessing about the stretchmarks....Never had them with my daughter! Guess there is not much that can be done though...

Looking forward to Wednesday

2009-08-16T09:32:00.002-05:00

Wednesday will be my next ultrasound at 34w6d. It will be a good feeling to make it so close to 35 weeks and I am really looking forward to an update on the babies estimated weights and of course positions. My OB may have given me false hope at the last appointment stating he thought during the cervical check that Twin A was head down. That would make my month. But I am skeptical. We will see!

Backseat Parenting

2009-08-11T12:05:00.002-05:00

Amazing that suddenly four days have gone past and now nearly a week since I was hospitalized. I have been home on bedrest for four days, and just now up for writing. It was much harder than I imagined initally returning home. While I knew I was pampered and able to rest beyond what would be possible when at home and watching my toddler run around, I had not realized the extent of the adjustment. Having never been ill for a prolonged period, I have never had to be so dependent on others. The other part to that too is that I am not ill! I feel fine, I am just pregnant and now feeling like my body is so fragile if I stand up for too long the babies will fall out! The resident I spoke to at discharge cautioned me against feeling that way and said: "Wouldn't it be a wonder for L&D if it actually worked that way!"

I am trying to be as strict as possible--therefore as horizontal as possible--for the majority of the day, at least until I get to 35 weeks (8/20) and then I will feel I can breathe easier. Tomorrow is my 'big excursion' going to the hospital for my weekly non-stress test and a prenatal follow up with my OB, who has been on vacation missing out on all my excitement :) It will be interesting to meet with him now that I am no longer quite the "lowest risk twin pregnancy" he has seen. But I know I am in a safe(er) bracket should the boys come early, but I am still really really wanting to keep them inside me (vs. say a NICU isolate) for as long as possible. I am terrified I will have dilated further and they will just go forward with a c-section (as I am sure TwinA is remaining stubbornly breech!).

In the meantime, living as a backseat parent is the biggest adjustment. I am practicing letting go, and perhaps this is good preperation to when I will be saddled with the immobility of breastfeeding and taking care of both boys. My daughter gets to expand her social group. So while it is painful letting go that position of being her #1 caretaker, it is an adjustment that is healthy for her, as well as inevitable. I am really grateful for the help I am getting, and if these past four days has suddenly gone by, maybe before I know it I will check the calendar and it will be September, and I will still be pregnant. Here's hoping.

Bedrest at 33 weeks

2009-08-06T14:36:00.002-05:00

It is fair to say I am no longer in a position to be concerned about inducing labor or turning a breech. Yesterday when going to my regular prenatal appointment poised to plead to be taken out of work at 35 weeks, the OB (not my regular as I am rotating through the practice) did an internal exam to discover I was dilated to 1.5cm and 50% effaced. He said: "You are out of work starting now!" He proceeded to tell me he was sending me over to labor and delivery. It took a while to absorb this news. When pregnant with my first daughter, I walked around for two weeks 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. I was never sent to L&D until by myself when contractions started at 39w4d. But then I was between 38 weeks and 40 and at just under 33 weeks, I am still quite preterm for twins. I headed over and to my surprise discovered I was contracting (which I did not feel, except for a lower back ache) and I wound up dilating to 3cm. There was talk of a c-section and I had to meet with the neonatologist and anesthesiologist. My TwinA is still breech and so I am quite sure at this point that I will be having a c-section--which I don't care about anymore, just want the babies to be healthy. I was administered a steroid shot for the lungs (get a 2nd today) and administered Indocin to stop the contractions. This began at 10am. By around 3am, the contractions had slowed to more than 10 minutes apart, much to my great relief and I was moved from L&D to the antepartum unit to begin my hospital bedrest. From here on out I will have a lot of downtime. I can't imagine how this will go when I get home. For now I have the hospital TLC at my disposal. Can't imagine what it will be like to be around my toddler who I cannot run after and watch my husband make great efforts (perhaps) to multi-task, but knowing it just won't be done by me will be hard. At least I have more time for blogging...and no more night shifts for a while.

Turning a breech baby

2009-08-02T02:06:00.001-05:00

One outcome of my recent ultrasound was learning the position of the babies. A bit of a disappointment for me was learning Twin A is now breech. I have spent a lot of time this week on the Spinning Babies website, trying inversions, cat-cow positions and am gearing up to start putting frozen peas on the top of my belly and making my husband speak through a paper-towel tube into my lower belly to coax Twin A back to vertex.

What is upsetting to me is the Spinning Babies site makes a big focus on emphasizing that if the "mother is in balance, the babies will turn," and emphasizes chiropractic adjustments, prenatal massage and deep relaxation. I have been thinking about the differences between this pregnancy and my first. I was able to swim twice a week, do yoga twice a week, and indulge in thinking deeply about my pregnancy. This time around, I just don't have that luxury. I am running after my daughter constantly and when not, I am dropping down in bed exhausted--too exhausted for yoga. A friend of mine in a similar boat just gave birth to her singleton who was a 9lb'er and vertex. I know she had no less stress throughout her pregnancy than I did.

I believe in the end the babies will do what they want to do regardless of these interventions. I can try the techniques, but really it is beyond my control. I have been reading about c-sections trying to gain some comfort if that becomes the option, but I am continuing to struggle with the various philosophies that exist for childbirth--and the limited options that exist. It was my same struggle with the possibility of induction, now focused around the breech issue. It is something that I will continue to work through in my mind.

31 Week Growth Update

2009-08-02T01:53:00.003-05:00

This past week I also had a growth update via ultrasound. Twin A is measuring 3lbs and 9 oz; Twin B is 4lbs. I would love to believe these numbers. They are good solid numbers from the 25th percentile and above. Far greater than what I ever got with my little peanut daughter. But I know these can be so inaccurate. For now they are close enough in size there is no concerning discordance. However, as they were closer together previously, they made a big fuss about continuing to watch to be sure they do not trend further apart.

"Natural twins do really well"

2009-08-02T01:38:00.003-05:00

On Wednesday I had my first non-stress test that I now have weekly. It is more simple than I had thought, after friends advised me that NST's involved pushing a button every time you felt a movement. I wondered how accurate I could plot both TwinA and TwinB. In the end, they just had to strap on fetal monitors and look for two heart accelerations. Both twins did fine, it was just a matter of getting them to be cooperative enough to stay put to track the hearts. Took an hour total, but I had a nice engrossing Steven King book.

At the end, the nurse who had been friendly said, "They look great. Natural twins always do really well." Knowing that in fact there is no evidience that supports such a claim, I was a bit startled by this statement and said, "Really?" She said, "Yes, there is a reason your body produced two babies."

Being on a few twin forums, I am a bit sensitized to how offensive this would be to a mother pregnant with twins or multiples due to use of fertility drugs. Even though my twins were spontaneous, I have been asked several times if drugs were used or more often the passive, "Do they run in the family?" I find these questions awkward to answer without having the personal struggle of infertility in my history. Had I been in a position that I sought the use of medical intervention to assist with having a child, I know I would be constantly floored by these questions by their intrusiveness. It is one thing when a personal friend asks--which a few have--but quite another when they are strangers or distant acquaintances. Some people will make off-hand comments to me as well, like "It seems like everyone is having twins these days..." It is true the rate of multiples has increased with medical interventions available, but it isn't like people go seeking them. Every pregnancy that results in multiples was a couple seeking a child--singular. Even if the couple or mother desired twins or more, they are simply not something that can be ordered up. Multiples are miracles, regardless of their path to development, and all children are "natural."

In Search of Cloth Trainers

2009-07-27T01:17:00.004-05:00

It seems like there has been an explosion in cloth diapering. Numerous cute pocket diapers and covers abound as well as a growing preference to use them. They are not the cloth of the 70's and prior, requiring pins and folding. At least, not if you don't want to.

I have used cloth about anywhere from 50-80% of the time with my daughter. Yet to find a cloth diaper she does not leak through at night, so she gets her pampers then. Since the move to trainers, however, it has been a more complicated process. Do I put her in a cloth diaper to continue to encourage her awareness of her movements or choose the disposable pull-ups which are both costly and so absorbant she can ignore her pees and poos, yet have the "grown-up" feature of being able to pull them up.

So I have been searching for cloth trainers and am still trying to find a style that I like. Just as with cloth diapering, the trainers to not run cheap and $8.00 per trainer is about as low as they seem to go! And just how long is a 'training period' for any how? Is it worth it to invest in them when you will eventually just shift to regular undies?

I don't know.

But here are the brands I am finding because it seems that unlike cloth diapers, cloth trainers are much scarcer to obtain.
The Kushies I am currently using, available at diapers.com and amazon.

Snooty Booty Diapers has a nice listing of a few brands available through their store:

Gerber carries a few on Amazon. Though I hear they are just thicker panties and you need to purchase separate waterproof covers.

There are some cool trainers also available via Etsy by many small businesses of Work At Home Moms.

And the Inspired line, which have some really cute patterns.

How did this happen?

2009-07-26T21:14:00.002-05:00

After a week of "scaling back" on naked time and really de-escalating potty-talk, my daughter is virtually potty-trained! She now announces her poo's and "big pee!" So long as we are indoors at home, in trainers or out, she is using the potty like a pro. What we don't have down--more to my own not knowing what to do--is how to not rely on trainers going out. I can't bring her potty to the park and I don't know how to teach her how to squat in the bushes. But I am amazed and proud of her achievements as they are so maybe we will just hold here for a while and see where it goes. Stickers seem to have helped reward her a little and she is quite proud when she goes. I am just amazed she made such progress in such a short amount of time. Like so many other aspects in motherhood--toilet training has been full of surprises.

31 Week OB Appointment

2009-07-22T16:00:00.004-05:00

Getting back to non-toileting content, I had my 31 week OB appointment today, again rotating through to meet a new doctor in the practice. She was very nice, though disconcertingly my own age (by my estimate) which is also somewhat cool. It was as routine as appointments go: vitals--stable; weight gain--up 48lbs now; fundal height--measuring at 38 weeks; fetal heart tones--130's and 140's. Oddly enough, it took her a long time to find the heart beat of twinB, who was the one I was least concerned about because he seems to be always moving. He was moving and squirming all around while she was trying to chase after his rhythm. Whereas twinA who hardly makes a peep down there came on right away with a good strong rhythm. That is the nice thing about this stage in pregnancy, having the movements to reassure you. But despite that, it was a little unnerving when it took so long to find the 2nd heartbeat because who knows what is going on in there! She also wrote an order for weekly non-stress tests to start as of 32 weeks. Between my 4 week ultrasounds, bi-weekly OB appointments and now FST I am about to start spending a lot of time at the doctors. So much for my days of leisure (aka housework) when my toddler goes to childcare. But as I get farther along, I don't mind too much having the extra checks, it is always nice to know things are moving along fine.

My weight gain did not please me however. I don't actually feel like I am eating enough as it is--certainly not per Dr. Barbara Luke's recommendations out of her book on multiples I have. And I don't look nearly as chubby as when I was pregnant with my daughter, but regardless, it is quite scary to approach that 50lb mark with 5-7 weeks remaining. I mentioned my concern to the doctor who said--do you exercise? Well--if chasing a toddler around 5 days a week counts. She agreed it does, but suggested I "cut carbs and eat protein." Hmmm, great nutritional advice. I guess my days of guilt-free cheeseburgers and sundaes are waning. I just hope the babes having been getting the lions share of nutrients and next Wednesday will have a good report of healthy and stable growth.

I don't even know what to call this...

2009-07-20T20:00:00.003-05:00

Today I was officially "scaling back" on naked time so as to not distress my daughter. Right after she woke from her nap, she she was playing with her blocks and still in her pull-ups from the nap. She started running around in her anxious pre-bathroom way saying: "poop coming!" I gently reminded her where her potty was and asked her if she wanted Mommy to sit with her and help her go, she said "no" so I stayed where I was, didn't push it and eventually she went. Then of course didn't want to change out of her pull-up.

Later on after a trip to the park where she played in the fountain and got soaking wet we were at home and she said: "naked naked!" After not long it was apparent she wanted to pee and sat on the potty and went. Not much drama. I certainly had not intended to do any kinda of potty stuff today but it seems I have just opened the door and will just follow her interest from this point as it develops.

I just don't know what to call this--am I potty training, no, not like I was last week. But I guess as I said before it is a process so I will just ride with it and take turn this week following her lead.

Monday Monday

2009-07-19T22:54:00.002-05:00

Monday is my swing-shift day. Coming off a night-shift schedule from Saturday and Sunday nights, I sleep for three hours and beyond, depending on when my daughter chooses to wake. My husband takes her for the morning, puts her down for a nap and leaves for work. So she goes to sleep with Daddy and wakes up to Mommy!

There is nothing better than Monday mornings, when standing bleary-eyed waiting for my ride home, I climb into the car and see this face:

Favorite Potty Vids

2009-07-18T23:09:00.002-05:00

Of course I have incorporated all potty-related media into the training process and thought I would note my daughter's favorite YouTube potty videos:

What she calls "Boys!"

And "Potty Sing!"

Just when I was ready to bag it....

2009-07-17T20:55:00.002-05:00

We had a totally successful afternoon! With her seeking out the potty 2x, peeing well in it and requesting to remain naked. She then said a few times "poop coming" and "where's potty" so she could poop. Alas said poop never showed, but now I am so confused. I guess what I realize is that potty training once you begin and I guess get this far, becomes a lifestyle thing. So it continues, back to focusing on one day at a time...

Re-strategizing

2009-07-17T11:11:00.004-05:00

I talk to just about every mom I encounter--friends, moms at the park, moms online. Consensus for the most part is aiming for 2.5 years, about 6 months after boys are born. Given the reluctance of my very astute and clever girl to adhere to using the potty unless placed there (yes granted it has only been a week) I am leaning toward adjusting my strategy. It is distressing for her having accidents during naked time, so I think I will scale back the naked time and just go with the cloth pull-ups for now. She likes them and does not seem attached to 'diapers' as I hear some older kids become. Plain panties are a bit too distressing for her when she accidents as well, so rather than another week of consecutive naked drills I am going to just give the cloth pull-ups a whirl and lessen up on directing her to the potty. She knows it is there and I think is a little tired of hearing about it. Will continue to encourage of course, but not as intensely.

Progress and then setback

2009-07-16T19:42:00.002-05:00

I guess that is the roller-coaster ride of toilet training. Back and forth, a new indication to confirm this is the right time to do this and then backsliding bringing forth new uncertainties.

Yesterday she was at the nanny's who is not comfortable with cloth trainers until she is 95%+ trained. I think that her having accidents is part of the learning process but I also respect the nanny not wanting accidents all over her place. So she was in pull-ups for the day. When I picked her up, I got the report that she peed 3x in the potty. Great news! Unexpected too.

Today that was not the case. Again she was fretful when naked and having to go and only made it to the potty if placed. Even then she would pop up again. I don't mind the accidents, what makes me nervous is her distress around not knowing what to do when having to go. She knows what the potty is for, but is not quite comfortable using it. So again I am back to thinking that one more week and I will scale back on the naked time.

Setbacks and then progress

2009-07-14T19:46:00.003-05:00

Quick update with semi-rave. My daughter continues to struggle somewhat, crying during accidents that occur through her panties or when naked. She did not want to use the potty but would fuss and fret before finally having an accident which would prompt tears. I was really doubting this entire endeavor, but I also noticed she is continually having her hand in her mouth so it is quite likely that along with some of the distrubance PTing creates, she is also teething and extra fussy. Despite some of the difficulty, I feel more confident moving forward.

My raves are these:

In the evening, the Kushies training pants I ordered arrived and they are perfect. Light enough she is aware of what is going on and disliking it, prompting her to ask to use the potty. After we put them on her she asked to use the potty each time and while most went in the Training Pant, less on the floor but she was still as motivated to take care of the issue. Then when we called it quits for the day, put her in her diaper and off to bed, she asked twice to take off the diaper and use the potty. It was interesting b/c she was still fussing while she asked for it, but she did go pee without a drip both times! I tend to be intensive about PTing until about 430, then pull back for my own sanity and use pull-ups through the evenings. Now with the Kushies I will just use those all day I figure.

Tomorrow she goes to the nanny and I am not sure how best to convey consistency. I am sure my nanny has her own ideas, but hopefully she will be respectful of mine. I will send along 5-6 pairs of pants and her cloth diapers as well as pull-ups and discuss it. I am not totally upset if she winds up in disposable pull-ups all day, I figure I will then have Thurs-next Tuesday to spend with her and get her on track.

Day three--Did I really bring this on myself?

2009-07-13T18:22:00.003-05:00

Today had its ups and downs. I slept half the day post-night shift. My daughter woke around 1:30 in the afternoon from her nap and was tearful. I took off her pull-ups which were warm and heavy so I am certain she peed as soon as she woke. But I placed her on the pottyand read some stories and fed her grapes. The next two-three hours we hung out, her barebottomed. Mostly we were outside. I put a longish dress on her so she wasn't giving a total free-show. She did fine, having fun playing etc. But then it was time to pee/poo and I could tell by her behavior. I have been trying to look for signs so I can anticipate when to guide her to the potty. She was tugging on herself and jumping around on her tiptoes and looking uncomfortable. She willingly went to the potty a few times, but did not go. She got more restless and anxious and fussed a bit. I could tell she had to go but was having anxiety around being naked, as the previous day. But she was too restless to go on the potty. So she wound up having "accidents!!" as she called them, and intermittetly climbed up on my lap. I notice as she has to go, she gets a bit more clingy and did make several drips on me. From there, she made it to the potty and managed to go a little, but it clearly is not a natural process yet for her. After she had gone, I gave her a cloth diaper which she instantly soaked. We went to the park where she had a blast and then we came home, and it was pull-up time! I am exhausted! I am still wanting to give this a 14-day trial, but wondering more and more what the signs are to indicate she is not ready. I don't want to stress her out too much, and she seems to get upset when having to go and naked. I have a few cloth trainers on the way and I think that will be just what she needs right now. In the meantime, just one day at a time.

Day two--busting out diapers

2009-07-12T22:16:00.003-05:00

Today I mainly slept through the day, as I work night shifts on Saturday and Sunday night. My husband is then the primary caretaker. He did a great job continuing to reinforce potty usage encouraging her to develop more awareness of her body and its functions. However, at the end of the day after I woke, I noticed the diapers I had set out for the week for nighttime use had gone from 5 to 1! Busted! I know she got diapered up a bit more today than I would have liked, but she is back to mommy-time after nap tomorrow and we will see where it goes.

Even after one day's time, I was amazed at how she is making connections and linking the behavior and I feel more optimistic. After being outside (barebottomed) and having a little pee, she came over and said: "potty?" and walked over to her potty and she sat in it. Did not go, but that connection to me was a success in itself.

First day at PTing

2009-07-11T23:04:00.005-05:00

Here is a picture of my feisty one! She is what Dr. Karp of the Happiest Toddler on the Block would call "spirited." You can see it evidenced by the sparkle in her eye and the scratches on her face from too much running (and tripping) in the park.

Today after waking we spent some time on the potty. Nothing doing. Took a quick trip to Target and got supplies: an extra potty seat for outside & car trips (and I will likely need 2 eventually!), 2T/3T panties and pampers pull-ups. I have some cloth trainers ordered expected to arrive Tuesday.

Then we spent most of the day in panties. She did well, just noting her puddles and spent lots of time sitting on the potty and reading our books. She went down for a nap easily in her pull-ups. After nap, she went about 3 hours completely dry and spent some naked time outdoors. When I brought her inside, she made a teeny puddle and said: "Pee pee!" and I placed her on the potty and voila! Success. However, after that things went downhill a bit. She seemed increasingly distressed by accidents and at one point requested an urgent: "diaper change! diaper change!" while bare-bottomed. Trying to put her on the potty at that point upset her so I put on a pull-up and was not surprised when she then poo'd. After we cleaned her up and put her back in panties, she had about three more accidents on the floor, all of which upset her greatly. My husband and I decided to put her in pull-ups for the rest of the night and ease up on the panties.

Having some more time to read through more perspectives makes me uncertain if she is ready or not. So we will continue to monitor her habits and attempt to increase her awareness of her own excretions, make the potty available and see where she is at. I will give it about two weeks and then if we are at the same point, will just put aside all potty training until several months after the twins are born.

If it be 3 butts to clean, so be it.

Potty Training Bootcamp?

2009-07-11T22:52:00.002-05:00

With my older daughter, now at 21 months, I have been pretty laid back on the potty training. Recently I came across this Monessori-based approach that made me re-think my initial plan to potty train after the twins arrive. One main tenant of the article that made me reconsider, it it's claim that: "Montessori teachers believe the sensitive period to toileting closes before the child's second birthday." This article states that 16-19 months is the ideal time to toilet train and argues it only becomes harder with age, despite our societal norm to train around 2 &1/2.

Looking back, I know my daughter was interested in the potty a few months ago, had a few successes and then appeared to have lost interest. I did not push it. Reading this article made me feel like a critical time slipped through my fingers. Regardless, I did come to the decision that with two months before the twins, now is the only time for quite a while that I can give her my 100% attention to this endeavor. Of course I am motivated by the idea of not having three diaper changes throughout the day, but a potty-trained child may easily regress with new siblings to compete with, so getting her up to speed on this skill and then adjusting to two new twins seems like asking a lot.

My decision for the time being is to promote more potty usage--following some tenants in the article. But even today--and I know a day 1 potty training is just a start--raised my own doubts that she may not be ready.

So in lieu of twin news while I gestate on this final trimester, I am going to monitor and promote the toileting of my toddler.

28 week belly shots

2009-07-07T20:20:00.004-05:00

a whole lotta baby in there...

All my thoughts toward L&D

2009-07-04T23:48:00.004-05:00

I keep re-reading my first blog entry here. It is so revealing to me. My initial clinging to what feels like the safety of modern medicine and now my early third-trimester reaction swinging back to a more holistic approach.

Having twins is scary, for so many reasons. But I have never worried about the reality of juggling care x2 for newborns. Probably that is denial helping me along. I find gestation more anxiety-provoking. I feel the movements now, and it reassuring. I get monthly ultrasounds, which are fun for the added peeks inside. But mostly I feel in the dark about what is going on.

For now, perhaps appropriately so, my preoccupations are all about the present state of health & growth for my twins and planning for the exit stages.

I have been reading more about inducing twins at approximately 38 weeks per policy. The more I read and speak to other mom's on various twin forums, the more I want to experience going into labor naturally again. Having had an almost picture perfect delivery with my first, I want that now to be repeated. Most reading I have done points to a lot of benefit toward allowing babies to be born vaginally without induction.

But I know my OB will not budge on this point, citing a larger systemic policy. I knew that when I began my road to this point with him. I know what I have signed up for. Although I have had a complication-free pregnancy, until the babies are born, we are really not out of the woods yet. In my third trimester, I would not switch practitioners. I would rather follow this protocol despite my reservations than jump ship and begin with someone new.

Yet I can see it will dwell in my mind going forward. These twins were given to my husband and I out of the clear blue--why not assume that they could arrive perfectly and naturally? Why put myself at the mercy of medical practitioners when all of the OB/GYN MD lit articles I am reading provide not only contractions in risks/benefits of inducing twins, but a startling consensus that there is not enough research done to say for sure what the optimal delivery time is for an uncomplicated twin pregnancy?

I have to ask these questions and find a sense of understanding where the medical community is coming from. I have read a few articles I will discuss more in-depth in future entries that make my head spin. One made me cry out to my husband a few nights ago, "Now I am scared to let the twins go PAST 37 weeks!" To which he advised me to put the articles down, and back away from the abstract.

And I will, once I am finished with the conclusions.

"Lowest risk twin pregnancy"

2009-06-28T05:29:00.001-05:00

It is nice to hear such words about a pregnancy bestowed by attending OB. Yet it does make me wonder how outside the norm my experience is with this pregnancy. In the first weeks of finding out I was having twins, I scanned all the recommended twin books I could find, most specifically Dr. Barbara Luke's Twin's Triplets & Quads and Dr. Gila Leiter's Everything You Need to Know to Have a Healthy Twin Pregnancy, both of which, despite having a reputation for being less pathologically based, instilled the belief in me that having a twin pregnancy is something that is intrinsically complicated and full of risk.

As I approach the final trimester, my thoughts are increasingly turning toward the labor & delivery process. Looking back at my blogs, I see how quickly I vanquished the idea of a "natural" birth when finding out I was having a twin pregnancy. Now I find my interest is piqued again in this direction. I am questioning some of the practices, like mandatory induction by 38 weeks--which my OB has informed me is a "hospital-wide policy." I do recall he offered to refer me to see a midwife, however what I have learned since is that most will not work with twins and birthing typically takes place on an OR bed. I have been to some natural birth blogs that show videos of home births with twins. But there is no way I would feel comfortable with that option.

Still, my "low risk" status makes me curious to investigate some of the practices further. On the whole, I feel very fortunate that as of 27 weeks & change, I am going strong, feeling well, just passed my glucose screen and feeling regular movement. No bedrest, no high blood pressure, relatively stable hormones. My main complaints are midnight caffeine induced heartburn (which working nightshifts I have only myself to blame) and charley horses. It could be much, much worse.

Yes, you can feel two babies kicking

2009-06-22T02:08:00.000-05:00

I was certain during this pregnancy that I would never know "who is who," as I had read other multiple mom's describing knowing the location of TwinA & TwinB, so distinctly, in fact, that they named the babies in utero and assinged the names in accordance to their respective "personalities." Having two boy names to choose from, I still find that conceptually difficult to imagine giving one name to the "fiester baby" I feel uptop vs. another name to the "mellow baby" who resides toward my lower left hip.

So while I will hold off on naming the little nudgers I feel until they enter the world, I am glad that I can tell there are two babies in there. It is a comfort to check in on the movements and get them from each region assuring me that all is well.

Worst Twin Name Combinations?

2009-06-16T01:11:00.000-05:00

These name combos are just the worst! (and from the top 100 most popular twin combos of 2008)

Heaven & Nevaeh (wrong, just oh so wrong...)

Gabriella & Isabella (ooh the rhyming makes me cringe!)

Faith & Hope (shuddering at the thought)
Faith & Grace (somewhat redeemed by Grace, but still along the same lines...)

Autumn & Summer (are middle names Winter & Spring? nuff said.)

Taylor& Tyler (the least offensive of all above, but still a little hokey!)

After reading through these, it seems on the whole that boy names are the safer ones! At least there are less wacky combinations out there...

Growth Update

2009-06-15T23:12:00.001-05:00

Had a 24 week u/s today to monitor growth--both babies are doing great! Each weighs 1&1/2 lb putting them in the 50% for weights. We got some fun pics as well:
Twin A:

Twin B:

(in case there was any doubt on gender, behold proof of boy-ness :)

Belly Comparison--Singleton vs. Twins

2009-06-02T03:54:00.000-05:00

Just a retrospective Here I am about 25/26 weeks pregnant with my first daughter: And here I am at 23 weeks weeks with the twins:

20 Week Belly Shot

2009-05-25T03:53:00.000-05:00

Twinkies are growing in there!

The Twins are Boys!

2009-05-10T23:09:00.000-05:00

Despite our previous guess that we had a B/G mix, our 20-week ultrasound revealed the pending arrival of twin boys! Most likely fraternal, but our doctor said we will not know for sure until birth. The little guys were doing great in the ultrasound, kicking and wiggling away. All organs looked good--clear views of "definite boy parts"--and hearts. They are small comparatively so we will continue to watch their growth. Our 18 month old daughter will be one month shy of 2 when they are born, and will have her hands full as a big sister--but perhaps not quite as much as Mom & Dad!

16 Week Belly

2009-04-13T03:48:00.000-05:00

12 Week Ultra Sound

2009-03-15T23:10:00.001-05:00

Here is a pic of our two healthy-looking little ones wiggling away! Heart beat of baby A is 144, Baby B 157. Eventually we will get better nicknames... though "Twinkies" will suffice.

Our Downs screening and Tri-18 went great, risk estimates around 1 & 10,000 for both. Although they make it clear that these are estimates only and risks remain, such numbers do bring some comfort.

First Belly Shot

2009-03-05T03:47:00.000-06:00

11 weeks today, have a bit of a bump!

First OB Visit

2009-03-02T03:46:00.001-06:00

I went to meet with my OB as I planned to see him for my first prenatal apt prior to getting a referral to a midwife. I really had a very holistic mindframe for what I wanted my next birthing experience to be like. Not being strapped down on my left side all throughout labor. I wanted to have freedom of movement. Northwestern Memorial Hospital and West Suburban Hospital both offer appealing options in that respect working with midwives.

My OB is a funny guy. Late 40's, frat like guy. Says, "I can give you a referral to a midwife, but you have to promise me you will come back to me after the birth!" I agree to which he states, "We're square" and offers me his fist to punch back.

We go through all the basic questions. Urine test confirmed the pregnancy. No planned u/s at this stage. I tell him my last experience, as far as duration of labor. In general he concludes, "Wow, you are really healthy" and pronounces me "low-risk" and is set to deliver the referral. But I really want to see that heartbeat and ask if an u/s is possible to confirm the pregnancy beyond a urine screen.

He agrees and I get set up in a new room pretty quick. I sit there anxiously. Finally I will have a view of what has been happening inside. I am nervous, b/c I had cramps the night before, odd pangs. I want to know if the baby is ok, and in the right place.

He comes in and starts the process. I look at the images confused, there is a weird line making me look like swiss cheese. "Hmm, wow, it is a good thing we did this." I feel dread--the baby is not ok? "You are having twins!" I look at the images, shocked, and cranning for a view of the babies. I felt floored, and yet, I felt like I had known. This pregnancy had been feeling so much more intense and exhausting prompting my husband to say on multiple occasions, "This baby will be harder, it is already giving you a hard time." I asked my OB, "Are they ok? Are there heartbeats?" "Oh yeah, they are measuring small though, at 9 weeks" (I was 9w6 days by my calculations). It is too soon to hear the heartbeat and the images moves to quickly as he scanns around that I don't see flickers, but I ask 2 more times and he confirms they look ok. At this point, we can't tell if they are fraternal or identical.

The remainder was a whirlwind. No longer "low-risk," I changed my mind about my referral for a midwife, despite him offering, and chose instead to work with him. My OB states they take an "aggressive approach" toward twins, inducing by week 38 if the twins have not yet come. He also reiterated that he respected my choices to have a natural childbirth, but that with twins he must "do what it takes" to protect the babies. I felt comforted by the practical approach of modern medicine. Whatever it takes, I want my babies to be ok, and suddenly all my concerns about epidurals or c-sections were out the door. I don't care how they come, I just want them to be ok.

The follow up for now is a first-trimester screening with a geneticist to evaluate risks for defects such as Downs. I am not anxious about this, as it is only probabilities and it would not change the outcome. It is scary, all the risks, but I am healthy and had a good labor previously, so I will hope to be in the majority that deliver healthy babies as close to term as possible. Hopefully at the next u/s I can hear the heartbeats and both babies will be doing ok. Until then, mums the public word, sometimes twins appear, but don't always stick around.

Meanwhile my husband is convinced there is a third hiding out. Let's hope not for now. Two at once will be enough to work with!

Things to Stop Doing

2009-03-01T03:45:00.000-06:00

-reading medical charts of patients admitted to ER for "pregnant and bleeding."
-reading about statistics related to complications with twins
-eating peanut butter cups (1 for each baby) every day
-counting days until next u/s (17!)

Still in Shock

2009-02-26T03:44:00.001-06:00

Yesterday we found out in fact we are having twins! Never did we expect this. It is fairly rare as we did not take fertility meds--it feels almost miraculous and we are indeed quite blessed. Still, it is a long road to hoe, with more MD visits are on the calendar. Finding out about twins has completely shifted my perspective so that I no longer am looking for an all-natural approach to my pregnancy and birth, but rather I am looking to rely heavily on modern medicine to ensure my babies make it safely into to world. At 10 weeks, I feel I still need to get a bit further down the road. We are keeping quiet until the 2nd trimester to tell family our exciting news, after another ultrasound confirms the health and we are on our way for #2 and #3!