As I sit here at the pump, gathering the 1.5 oz I have in the middle of my twelve-hour night shift, I am conscious of the delicate balance our life is in right now. There are so many things which rest in a state of perfect functioning, which if god forbid, I or someone were to get sick would knock off. Things like, laundry being mainly completed, or having enough toilet paper at the home. Of course those are trivial items, but with going to school, working and having my heart be at home with the kids and running the house, all these things become big things. I think about financial vulnerability should a glitch in having meaningful work occur. I think of these things and feel grateful that, at least for the time being, god willing everything is a wonderful and amazing "ok."
I have been thinking lately about the process of attachment with twins. Thinking about how object relations come into play with twins. Such that, if I had a single baby, I would probably feel more guilty about setting the baby down to play by himself. However, having two, I always feel that they are happy to plop down and "play" together. They do have their alone time too, but I tend to always assume they want to be together. This really is the amazing side to me of twins. They will have each other throughout their childhood. A constant companion. Someone who always gets it. I just love watching them grow together and interact more each day.
Yet it nags at me that maybe I would pick them up more if they were singletons. I catch so few breaks so that now they have longer periods of contentment, I rely on having them play together to get some things done. Sometimes I wonder, "Do they want their mommy or do they want each other?" What do they make of those relationships and do they get that they will always have to share? I suppose it is the constant guilt that is there for mothers with more than one child, the juggle and balancing act of giving each one their fair share of attention.